Rejected

Oct. 20, 2021

The feeling of not being good enough.

I gotta admit: I haven’t been rejected from anything in a really long time, so I was actually afraid of how I’d take it if I didn’t win. 

Turns out – I’m not sad about it...but I do feel more...lost. 

Here’s what happened:

I applied for a grant back in February – a grant for a little over $100,000. Today is the second-to-last day of October, and I finally found out, very late last night, that I had not been picked as one of the 10 winners from the 30 finalists who interviewed.

As I navigated my application back in February, there were some people who told me that this grant was a long shot and that I *might* be wasting my time. I appreciated the honesty in that feedback because a lot of the questions were really tough to answer, which made sense because I was trying to make my answers fit their prompts instead of it being a natural fit. I really had to work to make the reader see HOW my ideas did in fact address what they were looking for, and with some help, I got through it. Since I was 90% done with the application, I finally decided that I would just wrap it up and submit it, long shot be damned. So, I finished as best as I could, not asking for more feedback from anyone, and sent it in. 

I thought that I would hear back in June, so, when I didn’t, I said to myself: I guess it was a longshot. Oh well. 

But then September 3rd came, and there was an email in my inbox: Welcome to the Finalist Round! 

Huh??? I thought the shit was over! My inner turmoil had long calmed down – why were they stirring shit up again?

It felt like a sign, and I was exhilarated. I was a FINALIST! I had been 1 out of 30 finalists who had been picked out of 312 applicants despite it being a long shot - WOOFUCKINHOO!!! (I’ve realized that I’m a sucker for low odds because I’m too damn competitive for my own good.) 

But anyway, I had to prepare for my interview in 2 weeks, and I dropped everything else to do so. I had a few of our team members help me and also drop what they were doing. I focused. I prepared. I was so excited about the possibility of winning because God knows we need that funding, and I asked the universe to open the doors. 

On September 16th, I had my interview, and it went pretty damn well. Or, at least it felt that way. I was prepared for every single one of their questions and was genuinely excited to be talking to the panel. One of the panelists kept asking a lot of questions, and I sensed some hesitation on her part plus some uncertainty for a younger member on the panel (mostly because he was late and didn’t get to hear everything, I think). The other 2 panelists seemed on board. Either way, I moved on from these observations and just hoped for the best. 

Clearly, the best never came, lol. 

I waited all week hoping that I’d hear some good news on Friday (they told us when we would find out), but instead I got the opposite. The worst part is that I got the rejection email past 10pm, which means that I was left pathetically refreshing my inbox and unable to focus on much else all. damn. day. 

If you’re reading this and are part of a grant-giving or funding organization, I personally ask that you please always think of the losers as much, if not more, than the winners and inform them of the status of their application within a reasonable timeframe – aka within business hours. It’s just unfair any other way. No matter how much you think the rejection will hurt – it hurts them more to not be able to move on or focus on other things because they’re waiting on your answer. 

Anyway, one thing that I do appreciate is that this organization offered to give us feedback as to why we weren’t funded, and I’m looking forward to that. I just hope they’re honest and clear with what they have to say so that I can use that to improve. I hate it when people beat around the bush.

…

I’ve never liked to share my failures or rejections with anyone, least of all show emotion over them, which is why I have always been hesitant to share my plans, hopes, and dreams in the first place. I used to take every rejection extremely personally because, well, how can you not when it’s you or your idea getting rejected? However, observing the way younger generations have become increasingly open about their lowest points as much as their highest has truly inspired me to be more transparent. Well, that and the fact that I now have a team to hold me accountable, who I feel that I owe nothing but honesty and transparency as they voluntarily join me on this journey. 

But also…

There has been a switch in my mindset – I now think of things that I do as projects outside of myself that can either fail or succeed or not go anywhere. I have learned to recognize that whether someone funds my idea or doesn’t, whether I win recognition for something or I don’t, has more to do with what that person or organization was looking for than what I am offering. 

Sometimes we get rejected not because we’re not good enough or because our idea isn’t brilliant enough but because we don’t fit a certain box that was created way before we came along. Other times, we might get rejected because that thing that we so desperately see as a solution to a problem is actually not the right solution to that specific problem – “rejection is redirection” after all. And lastly, sometimes we get rejected because it’s not the right time and the universe knows this, no matter how or what we feel about it. 

So, I do currently feel lost because I think that winning this funding for my organization would’ve made the next step so much easier. I certainly hoped that having this organization’s backing would bring me the actionable guidance I so desperately want and need. 

But my wiser brain cells are saying that they were probably not the ones who were going to be able to help me as much as I needed – that there is someone else out there who I have yet to meet or something else that I need to become a part of that will be the precise fit to my needs and even to what I don’t know that I need. 

“So, we beat on, boats against the current, [hopefully not] borne back ceaselessly into the past.” 

Fuck Gatsby.* We write our own stories, dammit. 

*The Great Gatsby is one of my all-time favorite books even if I don’t agree with the moral of the story.