Imposter Syndrome

Nov. 20, 2021

Overthinking can mess up the happiest of moment.

Why do we let it?

At first, it was pure relief. It was euphoric. I felt like Bill Gates had just said yes to my young tech startup. 

She said yes. 

This woman who I respected and admired from the first day I heard her talk had said ‘yes’ to me, to my idea, and to being part of taking it to the next level. 

Hell, it was bigger than that. She’d said yes to steering the ship. 

For a moment there, as she took a pause and said “I would love to…” there was hesitation in her voice, and my heart sank. 

I knew what was coming...she’d say that for x,y,z reason, she wouldn’t be able to formally form part of our organization but that she’d help as much as she could from the outside. 

I readied my sympathetic smile – of course she couldn’t say yes to a startup of this size...we’re literally just starting from scratch. 

But, after naming all the reasons she had reservations at first, I suddenly heard her say, 

“So, I’ll do it!!!”

Huh?? I’ll admit – I almost missed it. 

My brain has a way of sometimes spacing out by running scenarios of whatever it gets fixated on, and this almost happened as she spoke – almost. 

The sense of accomplishment that I felt as I tried to grapple with the very idea that someone of her stature, her experience, her influence, could believe in me and my little startup so much as to risk some things that would fall on her plate was just...it was more than I ever expected to feel. 

You gotta understand – this wasn’t just a friend doing me a favor or someone of my own age who was going to try to do their best to help out because they believed in our mission. This was someone who could literally change the game for us, and she was showing me that her excitement in all of our conversations was genuine. 

So, the call ended, and I was high off how lucky I was, how lucky I felt. 

I walked up and down my apartment, told my boyfriend, and called my mom and siblings. 

I needed to share how big this was because to me, it felt unbelievable. 

I was on cloud nine...until the bright cloud suddenly turned dark and scary. 

I can’t exactly say when or how things shifted. 

I don’t know when my energy went from excitement to anxiety. 

I began to doubt myself. 

I became afraid – had she really said yes?

What if I’d heard wrong or misinterpreted what she’d meant?

What if it wasn’t real? Was I making it up?

What if after the call, she’d regretted her decision?

Surely she had made a mistake, an impulsive decision (despite all the thinking she had told me she’d done), and would call back saying, ‘Never mind, I actually can’t. Sorry.’?

After all, why would anyone bet on me the way she’d said she would?

I had nothing.

I was nobody. 

All I had were...ideas. 

What if this joy disappeared at any second?

Would she take it back?

Could she take it back?

My boyfriend snapped me out of it. 

I remember him telling me to breathe and not self-sabotage. 

It was real, and people bet on me because they truly believed in me, the way he believes in me. 

It didn’t really help because it was hard to believe him, but somewhere in the deepest part of my brain, there were some logical brain cells fearfully agreeing with him. 

I knew he was right – I just couldn’t embrace it. 

Your brain can turn against you when you most need it not to.

My brain was telling me that I hadn’t done enough to earn this honor, that it could easily be taken from my hands and never returned. 

I recognized the nasty face of impostor syndrome: the dreadful feelings that convinced me that someone would find out my ideas were a fraud, that I actually didn’t deserve the people who believed in me because I hadn’t yet worked hard enough to prove myself. 

How lucky are the people who are born with parents, siblings, or grandparents who are those influential people we feel so lucky to be acknowledged by? How lucky are those who don’t depend on breaks in order to get ahead? Do those privileged people who grow up having to only express an idea, a thought, a desire and are met with the people around them facilitating their dreams know that our world doesn’t work the way their world works?

I went on a walk because my restless energy made my hands and feet tingle. I needed to move. 

It was a scary feeling – to recognize that you are where you are because someone believed in you. This meant that you had to convince someone to take a chance on you. 

It was a maddening feeling – to know that you have had to fight for every break you’ve gotten. This meant that you’d have to continue to keep fighting until you finally ‘made it.’

It was a saddening feeling – to know that millions of people who have so much to offer have to go through this struggle of feeling unvalidated simply because they weren’t born into opportunity. But, it is a reality most, if not all,  immigrants (and first-generation people) face. After all, we all come for the dream, and no matter how it manifests, it feels like we all need a fairy godparent at some point in our journey to make those dreams come true.

So, if you’re been through this and are successful now, I hope you can always remember what it feels like to not have someone facilitate your dreams, and, like my mentor and others like her, I hope that you remember to send the elevator back down.